Ramblings of the Unimportant

Well here we are again. Ramblings of the unimportant. My therapist would say that my first step should be to stop the negative self talk, but what would I say then? I am on a journey of healing. After nearing 45 years of various trauma, I'm afraid that it's going to be quite a long journey. My only prayer is that God allows me enough time to work through it before I am called home. I would hate to leave this life in as a disappointing way as I've managed to live it thus far. This is basically going to be my journal to healing. I need an outlet so I decided to dust off this log in and actually use it to get it all out of my head. Here we go.

 I am 42 years old and have very rarely completed anything that I have started. There are a long trail of bad decisions and trauma behind me. I'm sitting here now, in as close to isolation as I'd care to be, facing all of my baggage. As someone that relies on my humor to get me through the tough times, this is a problem. Who am I going to make jokes to now? Who is going to laugh when I hit a rough patch and awkwardly make ill timed jokes...... Like telling people to "Grieve and go" at my Dad's funeral because things were getting too emotional. Yes, you read that right....I did that. The answer is no one. I am sitting here looking in the mirror, reflecting on all the trauma that I've swept under the rug and joked away one day at a time for forty years. No one is here to laugh. Well... except me, but that would look more crazy than I actually am.  It's quite comical within itself if you think about it... well, to me it would be. People wonder how the seeming...

   Death is a tricky thing. The hard thing about it is the lack of understanding. This human world doesn't offer many answers when our loved ones leave us behind.  We are left....standing there.....with nothing. Hopelessness, lonliness, confusion, anger.....the list goes on. If you have ever lost a loved one you know exactly what I'm talking about. I learned alot from the lives of the people that I'm going to talk about but for the purpose of this post I'm going to focus on what I learned about death.      My first encounter with death was when I was 8 or 9 years old. My dad's best friend died. Mr. Johnson was more like family, saying he was merely a friend would be an injustice. I remember being sad, and I remember standing at the funeral home outside of the main sanctuary where his casket was. I was so afraid of seeing him like that I decided early on that I wouldn't go in. That's what I thought anyways! Mrs. Johnson took mine and my sister's ...

Snowed in AGAIN! Oh, to be a kid again and outta school for yet another snow day. Today's youth has no idea how much we looked forward to this opportunity when I was a kid.  However, growing up in Texas made this practically impossible! Maybe I have entertained my children for far too long and now they have become incapable of self soothing. UGH! What does any mom do in a situation like this you ask??? Send them away~ of course! My very best guy friend has been helping Topher prepare his car for the Annual Cub Scout Pinewood Derby and thankfully he was able to get in some work time with him last night. Onna is also making a car this year so they both got to get outta the house and work on their cars. An added bonus to the kids being out of the house for the evening....Liv got to come over so that we could decorate her Valentine box for school. She is a high maintenance princess so it didn't go quite as I had planned.....SO in the midst of crafting it up I called for a baking ti...

  I went to see Black Swan with a good friend expecting to be blown away by Natalie Portman's performance AND I was. She did an amazing job! I totally believe that she has lost her mind! Lol! The movie is movie theatre worthy and I even think it's worth the late night price. I must warn you that it is somewhat fast, so if you have a difficult time keeping up with reality vs delusions you might want to sit this one out. Also, (obviously) there is alot of ballet~ so again if this isn't your thing you'll want to pass.  The only thing I didn't care for was the three scenes that added nothing to the plot but were strategically placed anyways. Apparently Hollywood canNOT make a movie without throwing some dirty scenes in. To be honest I was sitting there feeling mildly awkward while watching one of the scenes thinking...."Is this really happening?". I won't spill the beans on the rest of the movie just in case you would like to judge for yourself! Overall, f...

This year I wasn't able to make the trip to Texas for Christmas so I decided to let the kids go without me. It was a very sad time for me, but the kids had a wonderful time visiting all of our family! My sister came to visit the weekend before Christmas and the kids rode home with her. I sent them with very specific instructions to call everyday, and was very thankful when I actually got a phone call every three days or so =) Kids will be kids! They were so busy with all of their grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and too many family friends to count to even think about calling Mom. Unfortunately~~ since I wasn't there, the only pictures I have of their time home are limited to the few I will snag from my friends facebook page. lol. I was able to get away for New Years weekend and so I made the voyage by train to pick up my angels. Sometimes when I'm away from home for a long period of time I forget how much fun we all have when we're together. Even though I wasn'...