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 I am 42 years old and have very rarely completed anything that I have started. There are a long trail of bad decisions and trauma behind me. I'm sitting here now, in as close to isolation as I'd care to be, facing all of my baggage. As someone that relies on my humor to get me through the tough times, this is a problem. Who am I going to make jokes to now? Who is going to laugh when I hit a rough patch and awkwardly make ill timed jokes...... Like telling people to "Grieve and go" at my Dad's funeral because things were getting too emotional. Yes, you read that right....I did that. The answer is no one. I am sitting here looking in the mirror, reflecting on all the trauma that I've swept under the rug and joked away one day at a time for forty years. No one is here to laugh. Well... except me, but that would look more crazy than I actually am.  It's quite comical within itself if you think about it... well, to me it would be. People wonder how the seemingly funniest actors/comedians can commit suicide, I am a prime example of why and how that can happen. It's easy to make jokes and change the focus off of the root of your problems. It's easy to laugh through the insecurities that fuel the comedy. #ImJokingButImSerious. It's easier to laugh in public than to cry. When the sun sets and you are at home alone, that's when the mask comes off. You sob in the shower. Which I can say from personal experience,  feels insanely good. You beg for this life to be over. No, I don't have a plan to harm myself. In case you are wondering if this is a cry for help. I just want it out there that this is just how it is for people like me. It's something to be dealt with every single day. Contrary to popular belief, there is no medication for it, there is no counseling that will make it go away. Yes, those things make the pain more of a dull ache but it is and will always be there. Anyone that has battled with it like I have understands this completely. 






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