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Hunger in the head

 I am hungry. Not physically hungry, but mentally hungry. I had bariatric surgery about nine months ago. I have been pretty large and in charge for most of my life. As I typed that I was thinking... I wish I was the weight I considered fat from fifteen years ago! Looking at pictures of me in my mid-late twenties had me longing to be her again. Was I a mess back then? YES. A different kind of mess. Heart broken but not ready to give up. I was somewhat confident, even though if you caught me at the end of a night out the alcohol may have told you a different story. Food has been the one and only constant my entire life. It is always there and tastes so good. If you are upset, let's get cake. If you are celebrating something, let's go out to dinner. Stressed, overwhelmed, depressed, sad, happy, catching up with friends or family....eat, eat eat. Our lives are centered around food. It's a social thing, a reward. It's everywhere, of course it became my crutch. Did I realize I was slowing killing my body, nope. I was trying to fill the holes in my heart with food constantly without even realizing or caring for that matter what I was doing to my body. Looking for someone to love me only to find myself lost in a Chilis molten lava cake. If you know, you know. But here I am nine months into my weight loss journey and I'm seventy pounds down. I know you are probably thinking that's a lot and I'm doing great, but do you want to hear the messed up part about it all? I am constantly thinking I'm a failure and I haven't lost enough weight to be nine months out. See the thing that most people fail to realize is that obesity is a disease of the mind not the body. Yes, the body is overweight but it's the mind that gets us there. Unfortunately, the surgery doesn't help with that at all. So all the people thinking I took the 'easy way out' go ready a book on obesity! Educate yourself before you discredit all of the hardwork that it takes to lose weight and get control of your health after a lifetime of bad habits.  You would think that you have eighty percent of your stomach removed then..bada bing... you have a physcial limitation of the amount you can eat so you are skinny in six months with no work...boom. Well I hate to break it to you but that is far from the reality of the situation. Only those that have been through it will understand how hard this really is. Imagine your go to person that you lean on for support through all things in your life just moved away and you could never speak to them again. Can you feel that loss? You are stuck in a room with nothing but all of your feelings, and all you can do is feel them. Every last one of them. Nothing there to comfort you.  All by yourself. Something I leaned on for support (food) my whole entire life was gone overnight. It is immensely sad. The tears I cried the first several weeks after the surgery was mourning that loss. I know it probably sounds silly to cry for my removed stomach, but I was really crying because I would never be able to be comforted by food again. 

I need to sit here for a minute and let that soak in. 

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